Fundamentals With Phoenix: How to Train Your Human

Lesson 3: Heart Attacks Are Free, So Give Your Human One

This week’s lesson builds off last week’s spooking tutorial, but we’re going to dive deeper into the human psyche and really screw with their minds. This little trick will require finesse and impeccable timing on your part, but when executed correctly is well worth all the effort.

This lesson is all about acting as if you’re scared of your human’s training tools. After all, if they can’t approach you with their tools, they can’t “train” you. You’ll handle this by playing the part of the willing, amicable partner appearing to do everything your human asks … right up until they take you into the arena and bring out a training tool. I don’t care what your human brings into the arena with them – when you see it, you act as if you’ve got three seconds to live. Go into full level freak out mode – roll your eyes into the back of your head, run backwards and rip the lead rope out of their hands, rear, strike out, take off bucking and farting and run over the top of them — I’m talking give your human a heart attack. Scare the life out of them (and throw in a little rope burn). If you pull it off, the training session will end right there and you’ll find yourself back in the pasture, where you should be.

While you could use this tactic day after day and get good results, you’ll get the best results by being inconsistent. On some days, you want to be cool with the training tools and lull your human into believing you’re a “good boy or girl.” If you’ve got the right human, you may even score some treats for being so well behaved. Then, when they’re least suspecting it, whip this little number out. They’ll have no clue what’s setting you off and will even start to believe it’s something they’re doing. They’ll spend more time analyzing themselves and looking up training approaches on the internet than working with you. (And if you’ve got the really right human, you may score even more treats in an attempt to soothe you.) The moral of the story is to keep your human off their game. If you’re too consistent, they’ll figure you out quickly.

That’s right, Clinton, look deep into my big brown eyes … I’m nothing but a good boy. LOL! He has no idea!

Your human will attempt to derail your efforts by introducing the Fundamentals Series groundwork exercise Desensitizing to the Stick and String. This exercise consists of three excruciating stages, each designed to brainwash you into believing you can take on any fast-moving, scary object and trust your human as well as their training tools. Five minutes into this charade and if you’re not careful, you’ll be relaxed, chilling with a hind foot cocked and have that look in your eyes Dobbins gets after his fifth walk-trot riding lesson of the day.

I convinced Clinton to film this video (while I put on my best acting face) to demonstrate what could be in store for you if you fall victim to this exercise.

Stay Sassy & Free,
Phoenix